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The first time when XXX impressed me was in the selection of the *** in which he ranked 1st out of more than 2000 candidates from various departments.

我想知道:1.这句话的语法有问题没? 没问题的话怎么说能显得简洁一点?
2.如果去掉 when 和 in 的话,语法有问题吗?
我想表达的意思是,XXX第一次给我留下深刻的印象是在***的选拔中,在这次选拔里他从来自不同院系的超过1200名报名者中名列第一。

谢谢··············· 挺纠结的 语法不是很好。。
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