针对一篇网上的PS模版作的修改
9040
看到一篇质量很差的文书被很多机构拿来当范文，感到震惊，下面是个人对于这篇PS的分析。
My resolution to pursue an advanced program in the field of marketing is precisely founded on the guidelines provided by economics. My personal interest and ample potential allow me to possess comparative advantage (comparative advantage，经济学中的比较优势，是指一个生产者以低于另一个生产者的机会成本生产一种物品的行为。然而全文学生并没有拿自己的marketing水平和别人比，也没有提出任何量化比较marketing水平的方式，显然是对这个概念并不清晰。)in pursuing marketing for reasons, and I believe that my choice is a rationalized choice in keeping with the rules of economics.
本段文书简评：第一段，学生想要表达自己选择marketing这个方向的原因，虽然段落主旨很清晰，但是表达的方式选择的不对，也没有充分阐述。同时，反复提到economics，但是每一次提到的句子表达的内容都差不多，非常repetitive。
My interest in marketing stemmed from my willingness to communicate and exchange with people, my desire to experience the collisions between different schools of thought, the interdisciplinary nature between those two subjects, and the demands that they impose on a person’s creative thinking. The 4P’s as advocated in marketing (price, place, promotion and product) are specifically oriented toward market fluctuations and they require special sensitivity in capturing market information, thorough understanding of the problems involved, and the ability to solve problems by sound logical reasoning. （爱好与人沟通交流意见和学生后来写的Marketing分析相关度很低，对于市场营销分析的兴趣来源于爱好与人交流，逻辑很奇怪。同时也体现学生对于marketing相关工种了解有限，学生这边说的marketing是偏向marketing strategy／analysis，而学生说的热爱交流偏marketing communication／public relationship.）The four aspects as represented by 4P’s constitute the fields in which I made conscious efforts to develop and to improve my competence. While taking the market course, I immersed myself in various western textbooks including the classic work Marketing Management by Philip Kotlor. Meanwhile, I endeavored to assimilate useful knowledge from case studies, realizing the empirical nature of the subject. I had a habit of applying a multiplicity of perspectives from different frameworks of knowledge to bear on the same problem and for this reason I once achieved the highest score in my department in an oral presentation. My teacher of the Marketing course （用professor更常见） believed that I was most suited to a career in marketing（这个句子结构和语言很不常用）. His remarks gave me tremendous encouragement and further reinforced my determination to seek an advanced education in this fascinating area.
本段文书简评：作者的初心是想写自己对于申请专业的了解程度，但似乎自己对于marketing的了解并不彻底，于是乎适得其反。
Marketing is an applied science based on a mastery of its theories and principles in order to develop an awareness of how marketing is actually conducted. （上下两段缺乏过渡）During the summer vacation in the second year, having completed the marketing course,I participated in the promotion campaign on behalf of the Little Swan Home Appliances Products (Little Swan being the brand name of China’s most famous producer of home appliances) at Zhengzhou Department Store in Henan Province. This refreshing experience of directly facing clients excited me, making me more interested in various activities that could increase my practical knowledge of marketing.（故事选择的不错，但是描述的没有深度，只是一笔带过而已。）
本段文书简评：写了自己的实践经历却没有详细阐述这段经历以及这段经历给自己带来的影响和感悟。
My practical work experience in marketing started with my employment at the Sales Department of Beijing Education & Cultural Communications Center.（段落过渡依然有问题） There, I participated in planning promotion campaigns for several sets of book series and in the management of media publicity. I was also responsible for designing the exhibitions for those book series. I came to realize that teamwork is still a major problem within Chinese context, especially in the field of marketing that needs to be worked out. （对team work的感悟戛然而止，并没有提到学生想要如何解决这个问题，或者其他任何更有深度的思考，这个点和后文中的感悟也没有任何关联）To materialize good concepts of marketing, optimum approaches must be adopted that can meet the changing circumstances of the environment. My heretofore work experience shows me that, although marketing has developed into a comprehensive discipline that is both enlightening and capable of social guidance over a century-long innovation and evolution, the idea of marketing as the strategic presence of a given enterprise has not yet been established within the Chinese economic milieu. With the increased competition brought about by globalization, especially with China’s accession to the WTO, the widely-accepted conventional formula of “production + product + marketing” has been rendered obsolescent, unable to satisfy the needs of China’s present buyer’s market and the necessity to maintain sustainable development after China’s WTO accession. In this regard, prospective marketing professionals have a mission and a responsibility to perform. Apart from my interest and my potential, this factor constitutes the most direct reason behind my current effort to apply for a further degree in marketing at your prestigious university.（这一部分是文章最精彩的地方，也看得出来学生对于Marketing的使命感，完全可以放在开头） It is my expectation that in my future degree program I will be exposed to the most recent concepts and modes of thinking in marketing, which I can ultimately apply to the Chinese marketing practice.
本段文书简评：这一段着重写了自己的工作经历以及心得体会，是这篇文书的亮点所在。但是同时放入了一些无关紧要的内容，显得段落内容不紧凑，逻辑跳跃
Although I did not major in marketing as an undergraduate, my professional training in accounting can nevertheless be instrumental to my academic and career development in the future. The specialty of accounting also required me to receive basic training in economics and management, an education background that allowed me to evolve mental habits characteristic of economics and management.（这段话想解释自己虽然不是marketing major，但是有一定的基础，不过由于语言没有紧扣marketing，因此解释的很苍白。同时，前文出现过一次学术背景，这边又一次出现，使得文章整体结构有些乱） In my undergraduate program, training in the development of mental habits were far more important than the mere acquisition of book knowledge and my performance in work has also indicated that I excel my peers in logical reasoning and in economics-specific mentality. Therefore, I take great effort in having developed my empirical knowledge of marketing by participating in those activities. （前后内容并没有很明显的因果关系。）
本段文书简评：本段是想写自己的学术背景带来的优势性，但与文章主旨不符，并且有些点，例如写自己读过很多本书显得毫无用处。最大的一个缺点就是，与上文重复。
Successful marketing is the most crucial strategic arrangement in making quality products available to prospective consumers. Having accumulated necessary knowledge and experience, I have an implicit faith in myself as a most competitive candidate for your program. In presenting myself for your scrutiny, I am doing an important “marketing” of myself. I sincerely wish that my further exploration in the field of marketing could be made possible with this very “marketing” of myself.
本段文书简评：中规中矩的summary，虽然没有什么特别的亮点。
整体总结
1. 逻辑方面
1）整体逻辑基本清晰，但是学术背景方面前后出现两次，第一次表现作者对marketing的深入研究，第二次出现说作者不是major in marketing，然后学的accounting让自己对management和economics有基础，和marketing无关。
2）段落内部多处自相矛盾
3）段落内部多处出现无法自圆其说的问题
4）段落之间缺乏过渡
2. 语言方面
1）整篇文章没有明显语法错误，但存在明显中式英语的痕迹
2）部分段落语言冗长，重复，没有突出key message
3. 内容方面
1）故事选择的不错，但是没有足够深挖，表现出学生的亮点
备注：1）原创文章, 未经允许，不得转载。
My resolution to pursue an advanced program in the field of marketing is precisely founded on the guidelines provided by economics. My personal interest and ample potential allow me to possess comparative advantage (comparative advantage，经济学中的比较优势，是指一个生产者以低于另一个生产者的机会成本生产一种物品的行为。然而全文学生并没有拿自己的marketing水平和别人比，也没有提出任何量化比较marketing水平的方式，显然是对这个概念并不清晰。)in pursuing marketing for reasons, and I believe that my choice is a rationalized choice in keeping with the rules of economics.
本段文书简评：第一段，学生想要表达自己选择marketing这个方向的原因，虽然段落主旨很清晰，但是表达的方式选择的不对，也没有充分阐述。同时，反复提到economics，但是每一次提到的句子表达的内容都差不多，非常repetitive。
My interest in marketing stemmed from my willingness to communicate and exchange with people, my desire to experience the collisions between different schools of thought, the interdisciplinary nature between those two subjects, and the demands that they impose on a person’s creative thinking. The 4P’s as advocated in marketing (price, place, promotion and product) are specifically oriented toward market fluctuations and they require special sensitivity in capturing market information, thorough understanding of the problems involved, and the ability to solve problems by sound logical reasoning. （爱好与人沟通交流意见和学生后来写的Marketing分析相关度很低，对于市场营销分析的兴趣来源于爱好与人交流，逻辑很奇怪。同时也体现学生对于marketing相关工种了解有限，学生这边说的marketing是偏向marketing strategy／analysis，而学生说的热爱交流偏marketing communication／public relationship.）The four aspects as represented by 4P’s constitute the fields in which I made conscious efforts to develop and to improve my competence. While taking the market course, I immersed myself in various western textbooks including the classic work Marketing Management by Philip Kotlor. Meanwhile, I endeavored to assimilate useful knowledge from case studies, realizing the empirical nature of the subject. I had a habit of applying a multiplicity of perspectives from different frameworks of knowledge to bear on the same problem and for this reason I once achieved the highest score in my department in an oral presentation. My teacher of the Marketing course （用professor更常见） believed that I was most suited to a career in marketing（这个句子结构和语言很不常用）. His remarks gave me tremendous encouragement and further reinforced my determination to seek an advanced education in this fascinating area.
本段文书简评：作者的初心是想写自己对于申请专业的了解程度，但似乎自己对于marketing的了解并不彻底，于是乎适得其反。
Marketing is an applied science based on a mastery of its theories and principles in order to develop an awareness of how marketing is actually conducted. （上下两段缺乏过渡）During the summer vacation in the second year, having completed the marketing course,I participated in the promotion campaign on behalf of the Little Swan Home Appliances Products (Little Swan being the brand name of China’s most famous producer of home appliances) at Zhengzhou Department Store in Henan Province. This refreshing experience of directly facing clients excited me, making me more interested in various activities that could increase my practical knowledge of marketing.（故事选择的不错，但是描述的没有深度，只是一笔带过而已。）
本段文书简评：写了自己的实践经历却没有详细阐述这段经历以及这段经历给自己带来的影响和感悟。
My practical work experience in marketing started with my employment at the Sales Department of Beijing Education & Cultural Communications Center.（段落过渡依然有问题） There, I participated in planning promotion campaigns for several sets of book series and in the management of media publicity. I was also responsible for designing the exhibitions for those book series. I came to realize that teamwork is still a major problem within Chinese context, especially in the field of marketing that needs to be worked out. （对team work的感悟戛然而止，并没有提到学生想要如何解决这个问题，或者其他任何更有深度的思考，这个点和后文中的感悟也没有任何关联）To materialize good concepts of marketing, optimum approaches must be adopted that can meet the changing circumstances of the environment. My heretofore work experience shows me that, although marketing has developed into a comprehensive discipline that is both enlightening and capable of social guidance over a century-long innovation and evolution, the idea of marketing as the strategic presence of a given enterprise has not yet been established within the Chinese economic milieu. With the increased competition brought about by globalization, especially with China’s accession to the WTO, the widely-accepted conventional formula of “production + product + marketing” has been rendered obsolescent, unable to satisfy the needs of China’s present buyer’s market and the necessity to maintain sustainable development after China’s WTO accession. In this regard, prospective marketing professionals have a mission and a responsibility to perform. Apart from my interest and my potential, this factor constitutes the most direct reason behind my current effort to apply for a further degree in marketing at your prestigious university.（这一部分是文章最精彩的地方，也看得出来学生对于Marketing的使命感，完全可以放在开头） It is my expectation that in my future degree program I will be exposed to the most recent concepts and modes of thinking in marketing, which I can ultimately apply to the Chinese marketing practice.
本段文书简评：这一段着重写了自己的工作经历以及心得体会，是这篇文书的亮点所在。但是同时放入了一些无关紧要的内容，显得段落内容不紧凑，逻辑跳跃
Although I did not major in marketing as an undergraduate, my professional training in accounting can nevertheless be instrumental to my academic and career development in the future. The specialty of accounting also required me to receive basic training in economics and management, an education background that allowed me to evolve mental habits characteristic of economics and management.（这段话想解释自己虽然不是marketing major，但是有一定的基础，不过由于语言没有紧扣marketing，因此解释的很苍白。同时，前文出现过一次学术背景，这边又一次出现，使得文章整体结构有些乱） In my undergraduate program, training in the development of mental habits were far more important than the mere acquisition of book knowledge and my performance in work has also indicated that I excel my peers in logical reasoning and in economics-specific mentality. Therefore, I take great effort in having developed my empirical knowledge of marketing by participating in those activities. （前后内容并没有很明显的因果关系。）
本段文书简评：本段是想写自己的学术背景带来的优势性，但与文章主旨不符，并且有些点，例如写自己读过很多本书显得毫无用处。最大的一个缺点就是，与上文重复。
Successful marketing is the most crucial strategic arrangement in making quality products available to prospective consumers. Having accumulated necessary knowledge and experience, I have an implicit faith in myself as a most competitive candidate for your program. In presenting myself for your scrutiny, I am doing an important “marketing” of myself. I sincerely wish that my further exploration in the field of marketing could be made possible with this very “marketing” of myself.
本段文书简评：中规中矩的summary，虽然没有什么特别的亮点。
整体总结
1. 逻辑方面
1）整体逻辑基本清晰，但是学术背景方面前后出现两次，第一次表现作者对marketing的深入研究，第二次出现说作者不是major in marketing，然后学的accounting让自己对management和economics有基础，和marketing无关。
2）段落内部多处自相矛盾
3）段落内部多处出现无法自圆其说的问题
4）段落之间缺乏过渡
2. 语言方面
1）整篇文章没有明显语法错误，但存在明显中式英语的痕迹
2）部分段落语言冗长，重复，没有突出key message
3. 内容方面
1）故事选择的不错，但是没有足够深挖，表现出学生的亮点
备注：1）原创文章, 未经允许，不得转载。
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